Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
