you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
