I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
