I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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