dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
