Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
