She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
