remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
