Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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