My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
