OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
