Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
