Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
