remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
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