Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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