i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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