So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
