The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
