Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
