I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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