This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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