I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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