My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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