I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
