i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
