did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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