You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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