I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
