If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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