he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
