just survived the first fart of the relationship.
she looked like the before picture.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
