My underwear smells like fireworks.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just invented taco cereal.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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