3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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