I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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