Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
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He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
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I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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