Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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