I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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