I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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