All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
