In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
