Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
