i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
