I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
