I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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