I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
