Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
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