I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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