holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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