I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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