Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
