you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
