I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
