Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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