I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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