How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
